By now, even you new students have realized that, basically, the dining halls here kinda suck. And you've found, much to your dismay, that the Marriott "Recycle" gig, the merits of which you found delineated in your complimentary, gray- speckled, "look I'm recycled" beverage mug, extends beyond paper and plastic and into the realm of breakfast items -- like sausage.
So, we all agree that the screams of culinary orgasm are rarely heard resounding over the clamor of cheap silverware clattering upon plastic trays. In reality, the most passionate utterance you'll ever hear in a dining hall is the incessant query, "Does that have meat in it?"
Dining out, then, is more an act of digestive therapy than frivolous hedonism. One would think that eating out would provide the spiritual roughage you so desire. But you, in your gastronomical naivete, came to Claremont, home to Foothill Boulevard of Broken Franchise Dreams.
Gunning for salvation, Beggars' Banquet provides a not-so- standard guide to potential dining mishaps in and around Claremont. If you aren't fortunate enough to have access to automotive transportation, that's really too bad. We both have cars, and we're not sticking around for you suckers. Besides, you could personally evaluate the handful of places within walking distance in less time than it takes Marriott to check you and all the other carless saps through the front door.
This week, we visited the Thai Orchid Garden, nestled unobtrusively in YAFUMM (Yet Another Fine Upstanding Mini- Mall) on East Foothill in Pomona. For those of you with poor senses of direction, this restaurant can be a bit hard to locate. You may, for example, find yourself trekking up and down ole Route 66 from Claremont to Pomona to Upland and back to Pomona again, but that would never happen to seasoned pros like us. At least not more than once, anyway.
Just be forewarned that sometimes the best way to find east is to go west. Too bad we didn't get that fortune cookie until the end of the meal, eh?
(At this point we could stick in a cheap joke about how we drove by that Scary Boat Place and all the instruments on Ryan's dash started spinning around like Linda Blair's head in The Exorcist, but we're above that now.)
By now you've noticed that were more than half way through the review and we haven't even discussed the food yet. Be patient and have faith, for we know Jack, and he knows the elusive ways of holistic food critiquaege.
Service good. Food tasty. Bill acceptable. Leftovers eaten. Pleased.
We hate to say we told you so, but...
Now that that's over with, let's discuss lambskin prophylactics. We don't have much to say about them, but we sure wonder who's using them. If you would like to share any of your impressions of these all natural contraceptive sheaths, please drop us a line.
If you don't like the way we review restaurants, talk to our editors. At Student Life, their reviewers get free food and paychecks. We get Jack, and he's usually on vacation.
Thai Orchid Garden is located at 315 East Foothill Boulevard. Take out orders are available at (909) 593-8165. They serve good Thai food at "my folks are in town this weekend" prices and the atmosphere is quite nice. By the way, don't expect such a detailed review in the future.